Hello, everyone. It’s been quite a while since I’ve posted but I’m not going to apologize. No, I’m actually going to say, ‘you’re welcome’. For what, you may ask? Well it has come to my attention that my one or zero consistent readers are becoming addicted to my posts. And unless it’s to some kind of weird fruit, addiction is never funny.
seriously who has time for that
So by not writing something on a daily basis I’m limiting your consumption of my heroin-like postings. Since I can’t trust you to control yourself, I’m doing it for you. So once more, you’re welcome
Anyways, onto the main purpose of this post. As someone who is addicted to social media I do not limit myself to the ball and chain of a computer for my never ending hunger. No, I have a smartphone – I’m not going to tell you which brand because it will start a war…it’s an iPhone – and I am on it non stop, tweeting, facebooking, blogging, instagramming, other things that aren’t verbsing. My social media mobile routine today(and probably most days) is as follows:
- 10:00 AM – Check stock markets, not understand any of it, instead make up funny words for acronyms. Example: DOW: Drag Out Warstomakeprofits; GSPTSE: Grandmas See Parsnips Trying Some Ecstasy
- 10:15 AM – Watch a funny cat video.
- 10:16:30 AM – Break down and cry because video brought me back to a time when if I had JUST shoveled the driveway in the winter of ’99, I wouldn’t have witnessed my cat get split in half by a snow plow thus resulting in me having an unrelenting fear of white powder (snow, baby powder, chalk dust, flour, cocaine, other edibles), and probably more commonly; death.
- 11:07 AM – While tear trails on my face are still fresher than Miley Cyrus’ most recent outcry for attention, take at least three dozen selfies, form a massive collage of all pictures, not varying at all from one another with the caption “#lovehurts #thepainisreal #justwannagohome #RIPblacky #ughhhhhh #sougly #justwokeup #selfiewednesday #swag”
- 11:15 AM – Prepare fake wills leaving all money and whatever leftover Pokemon cards people have to me for those who will be in an unfortunate “accident” that send me Candy Crush game requests.
- 11:17 AM – Watch an entire page of World Star Hip Hop videos, no matter how blatantly racist they are.
- 11:25 AM – Update my MySpace, laugh, delete my MySpace.
- 11:25:30 AM – Look up lyrics to every single Cee Lo Green song ever, cause let’s be real, none of us know what he’s saying.
- 11:40 AM – Nap break, charge phone already.
- 7:00 PM – Update Facebook status to something outrageously funny, stare at notifications until people like my status, if not enough like it in a certain amount of time, delete said status, panic, hide under bed,destroy internet connection, wonder where I went wrong in life.
- Search Craigslist and Kijiji for jobs, since I just spent a whole day doing nothing but staring at my phone. Find job as blog writer, get on WordPress, start writing this to try to make beautiful career.
- Look at pictures of Natalie Portman.
I MEAN COME ON!!!
But even with the perfect porcelain skin of NP distracting me when I walk down the street, I have the common decency, and a small amount of intelligence to not be completely incoherent to my surroundings. Amazingly enough, and it’s sad that I have to address this, but a huge growing problem in North America is an epidemic, a plague, an outbreak diagnosed by renowned doctors(Pepper), archaeologists(Jones), rappers,(Wayne), and military officials(KFC) as………..
(So I went on urbandictionary.com to look for the literal definition of wexting but got distracted by something I saw on word of the day)
Wexting(not to be confused with the act of taking dirty pictures of your wenis and sending it to your crush), is the combined act of walking and texting. You’d think this wouldn’t be a problem in 2013 where fine motor skills and multitasking seemed to have really peaked in not only humans, but like dolphins….apes….dogs…Lochness Monster(it exists, but that’s a story for another time). Where the problem with wexting comes in, is really when people start endangering themselves. Here are some facts about wexting:
- Last year over 1,500 people ended up in emergency rooms from texting related accidents.
- A man walked right off a train platform onto the train tracks, but luckily was fine.
- On average, people have started walking 18% slower while texting.
- Most Wexters(surprise, surprise) are me, and women.
- Fort Lee, New Jersey has passed a law ticketing people who text and walk in busy intersections.
People have literally given themselves concussions, facial fractures, broken limbs, and a serious case of embarrassment from texting and walking. I text my fair share, but I cannot stand people who stand in the middle of busy sidewalk acting like they’re the center of attention and that “omg what did Bethany say about Will are they still together omg” takes more importance than me getting to the orphanage to feed kids their vegetables and read Harry Potter to them. Thoughtless. But, go to YouTube, search wexting, you’ll find some famous/infamous videos of people walking into open manholes, fountains, other people, poles, etc etc. If you are not one of these idiotic people, then it really does make you feel superior to everyone else. Good ego boost to start your day, guaranteed.
But please people, I urge and beg you to practice safe texting. Pull over, always carry 3 or 4 orange cones with you, place them around you, make that clicking noise with your tongue the whole time, maybe wear only fluorescent green and pink from now on so you’re highly visible in the dark, and purchase a siren to warn people you are texting. Thank you.